Mistletoeing
by hecatehatesthat
Summary: I couldn't bear to read one more mistletoe fic. So naturally, I wrote one. It's only two months out of season... Ichigo, Rukia, and a stupid human tradition. No spoilers.


_Disclaimer_: If you think I own them, you're in the wrong place.

**Mistletoeing**

"What's that for?"

Ichigo looked up, over his head where Rukia was pointing. And swallowed.

"Decoration," he answered tersely.

"It's nowhere near as pretty as the rest of the decorations. Does it have some meaning? What is it?"

"Nothing. It's mistletoe." Wow, look at that table.

"Mistletoe…" she repeated thoughtfully, and Ichigo decided this would be a very good time to stand elsewhere.

"Hmph," he said, and strode off toward the kitchen.

"It sounds familiar," she said, trailing after him. "I think Keigo told me something about this mistletoe. There's some –"

Ichigo stopped abruptly in the kitchen doorway. She bumped into his back. "Ichigo!" Then she shoved him.

He glared at her over his shoulder. "_What _did Keigo tell you?"

"Something about a human tradition… of standing under it? Why do you stand under it?"

"You don't just _stand_ under it, stupid, you –" he stopped.

Her big-eyed questioning-about-the-mysteries-of-human-ways look suddenly became a sly smirk. "You what? What do you humans do under the mistletoe, Ichigo?" She did not say _and why is it embarrassing your delicate human sensibilities_, but he could hear her thinking it.

He was not going to blush, because Kurosaki Ichigo did not blush. He scowled. "You kiss."

Well, at least she looked suitably startled by that. Then she looked _up_.

Noooo.

Ichigo did not look up. He looked down, and cursed his father, and Yuzu, and their fucking insane enthusiasm for all things Christmas and their goddamn idiotic tradition of hanging mistletoe in_ every doorway in the house._

"Hmm," said Rukia.

"It's a stupid tradition," said Ichigo.

"So are most things humans do," said Rukia. And then she stood up on tip-toes and planted her lips on his.

Ichigo froze. Rukia blinked, then pulled away. "Well, that was disappointing," she said. Ichigo wasn't sure whether to be insulted or relieved by this, but a glare seemed to cover both options, so he went with it. "Isn't something supposed to _happen _when humans kiss?"

Oh, something was happening, all right. He tried to shift discreetly, but she started to squint at him, so he blurted, "Well, you're supposed to close your eyes, moron!"

She frowned. "_You _didn't close your eyes."

"You surprised me, stupid! Wha –"

"I see," she said, and then she closed her eyes and leaned up again.

She was going to hit his chin. Fucking idiot. He should have stepped back, let her bump into the wall or something. But he didn't. By the time it occurred to him he could get away, he'd already ducked his head to catch her mouth with his. And then he closed his eyes.

For a moment they stood like that, and then, slowly, Ichigo let the tip of his tongue slip out, brushing her bottom lip. She gasped, almost imperceptibly, and he leaned into her a little more, tentatively tugging her lower lip into his mouth. She didn't move. He thought he was going to be sick.

Cautiously, he opened one eye – and found himself staring into hers, wide with shock. He jerked away. "I said you're supposed to _close your eyes_, stupid! What's wrong with you? Don't they have kissing in Soul Society?"

She was glaring back at him now, fists planted on her hips. But she was blushing. "N – well, yes, technically, but without a gigai only those with very high spiritual power can even – "

"Whatever," he muttered, walking back into the living room as calmly as he could and dropping onto the couch. He closed his eyes and willed his face to stop burning. And his stomach to stop doing that tight, floppy thing.

She kicked him in the shin. "OW!" He sat up, grabbing his leg. "What is wrong with you, you bitch?" he shouted, glaring at her.

"You stupid ass! Why can't you even –"

"Go _away_," he huffed. "I don't want to know how kissing works in your stupid Soul Soci –"

He cut himself off when she leapt up onto the back of the couch. He recoiled, expecting a kick to the head, but from there she jumped up and snatched down the mistletoe that hung from the living room ceiling.

"Rukia! What are you –"

And then she bent and stuffed it in his mouth.

For a second he just sat there stupidly as she stormed away, but then he tasted something bitter and realized some of the leaves had been crushed in his mouth. _Shit._

"You STUPID BITCH!" he shouted, flinging the mistletoe at her. It struck the wall in front of her, next to the doorway into the hall. "Mistletoe is POISONOUS!" Had he swallowed before he realized? He wasn't sure.

She whirled around. "WHAT! Why would you hang a POISONOUS PLANT all over your home!"

"Who CARES? Now I have to spend the night _vomiting _so I don't _die_!"

"Well what the hell did you _swallow_ for, stupid?" she said, crossing the room to grab his arm and start pulling him toward the bathroom.

"I wasn't TRYING to! I don't even know if I did, but I don't really want to wait until I start hallucinating to find out!"

Rukia didn't answer, just shoved him into the bathroom, grumbling under her breath about incomprehensibly stupid humans and their stupid traditions. He glared at her.

"What are you waiting for, idiot? Purge! Do you want me to find a stomach pump?"

"Fucking stupid tradition, I fucking hate Christmas," he said, and bent his head over the toilet.

THE END


End file.
